WRESTLING WITH GOD
Part 3 in Charlene Hios' Story
Who Can Fill This Emptiness?
There was emptiness in my life. Emptiness I was unable to fill. Whether I was in a platonic relationship with a man or making love to a woman, there was always something deep down inside of me that was missing. I did not notice it as much when I had my lover lying beside me in bed each night. I did not notice it as much when I was on the dance floor of the local gay bar. I could push it aside for quite awhile as I concentrated on loving the lady I was with.
Many times, the emptiness peeked out as I gazed upon a person who seemed lonely. I knew that I needed to appreciate the warm body beside me because the warmth would not always be there. Unconsciously my arm would embrace the delicate shoulder of my lover as we walked past that lonely looking soul.
The emptiness was constantly lurking, waiting for me to be alone so I could experience the painful, lonely, and gaping void within me. Inevitably, I could not escape it. When I was alone and could feel the emptiness, I tried to ignore it by spending my time watching television or reading. I was a good escape artist; I could get lost in a good Stephen King novel for hours.
Food also helped me avoid emptiness. At the end of the work day when I knew there was no lover waiting for me at home, I would pick up some fast food: chicken planks, fries, hush puppies, or maybe even a pizza, ice cream, perhaps something chocolate, or maybe even a little bit of everything. Still, no matter how hard I tried with a lover, television, work, reading, or comfort food, nothing could deflect the despair that would overwhelm me within the emptiness I felt.
The Fullness of Jesus’ Love
In 1995, I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior and began my relationship with Him. From the very moment that Christ Jesus came into my life, the emptiness was gone. I felt like a little kid with not a care in the world. No longer was I lonely. No longer did I need that ‘warm body’ next to me. The loneliness no longer existed. I no longer felt the emptiness lurking around the corner. It did not peek out at me as I passed that lonely looking person. Instead of embracing my woman’s shoulder to ensure myself I had someone, I reach out to that lonely looking person with a smile and a “hello.”
Jesus’ love embraced me. His love filled me in a way I had never been filled before. His love was and is so filling that it pours into me and shines out towards those around me. Those who knew the old me, the one who was contained within the emptiness, asked each other what was so different about Charlene. Friends and co-workers would come up to me and ask what I had done to myself. I would then share with them about the peacefulness that only comes when one is in a personal and special relationship with Christ Jesus. From the very moment Jesus came into my life I have not had one lonely or empty moment! Thank You God!
Fighting the Conviction of God’s Word
With this new fullness came an unquenchable thirst for God’s Word. I could not get enough of it. As I immersed myself in the reading and studying of the Holy Scriptures, an internal battle began. I knew, through the belief that comes from the gift of faith, these words that I read and studied were from God. However, as I read the Scriptures and begin to see what God’s thoughts were on homosexuality, a battle began in me; it raged for over two years.
Hurtful “Peelings”
Layer by layer the power of the Holy Spirit was peeling away and reshaping my life, yet when it came to my homosexual identity, the sin was buried several layers deep. The peeling away hurt, and I let God know the pain was almost unbearable. God had taken away my desire to smoke and drink, yet even though I was filled with His love, I was not able to let go of the desire to be with women in a sexual way. Smoking and drinking were one thing, but my homosexuality was different. For all those years it was my way of life, my identity, and it was what brought me love and acceptance; it ruled my very soul. Yes, I loved God and He had taken away my emptiness with His fullness. I was torn, so torn. Torn between two loves; torn between two masters! Deep down inside I knew that I could serve only one Master. (The photo (angle distortion) here shows me running the church's sound board shortly after my conversion. Though I am smiling, I was undergoing internal confusion all that day.)
Torn Between Two Masters
My old identity as a lesbian, butch, and homosexual did not fit with this new identity of a Christian, a child of God. God was the love of my life, and yet I was having a hard time cutting the ties to my old love, my old master—homosexuality! I needed to turn my back on it, I needed to turn away from it and turn fully towards God. I tried to turn away from homosexuality, but the struggle to give it up was almost too difficult.
I had never felt such love or such acceptance in all my life than that which I was continuing to receive in my personal relationship with God. But, as my spiritual being was being filled, my flesh started to yell for attention. I tried to convince myself that what I was craving was wrong, but I would not listen. And even though I refused to give in to the temptation, the battle raged within me for what felt like an eternity.
I knew in my heart that my acting out on my same sex attractions in a physically sexual way was a sin; it was not what God intended. But, my flesh did not seem to care what my heart and soul knew was right.
Nightly Wrestling With God
I had a hard time during the nights; when the day was over and there was nothing to keep my mind occupied, I would lie in bed and immediately converse with God:
“God, if You are all that I need, if You are all I am suppose to want, if Your grace is sufficient for me, then why do I still want to be held by a woman, why do I want to feel her next to me . . .?”
“God, why did You make me this way . . . ?”
“God I know that what I have read in Your Bible says that a man should not lie down with a man as he does with a woman and I agree that is gross, but why does Your word also say that even their women turned away from what was natural for what was unnatural when my being with a woman, my making love to a woman seems like the most natural thing in the world to me?”
“God I know You are suppose to be all that I need but God I need to hold onto someone who I can touch, who I can hug, someone who can hold on to me and who can touch me . . . God how do I hold on to You when I cannot see You or feel You? Please, God, can You just send me a woman who will hold me . . . it does not have to be sexual . . . . I just need to be held . . . PLEASE GOD?
These were my cries to my heavenly Father as I struggled with the desires of my flesh. As God continued to tear away the layers of sinfulness and wrong world-views, I would cry out even louder to Him in prayer.
Godly Women
Time went by and I began to feel God holding on to me more and more. He started explaining to me why I had the attractions I had towards women. God was patient with me during these years of wrestling with Him and His Word. God was patient with me and eventually I was patient with Him. When a desirous attraction would surface I learned to capture it. God, over time, showed me how to capture a lustful thought and give it to Him.
God did bring three strong Godly women into my life. These women came alongside me and became my daily companions during my early walk as God’s child. These ladies mentored me and we became close friends. God used them in many different ways, not the least of which was to show me what a healthy relationship looked like with another woman, which was an important part of my healing.
Detox
These women had a tough road ahead of them as did I. Like the alcoholic or the drug user coming out of their addiction so I had to come out of my addiction for the unhealthy relationship I desired from women. These ladies were recipients of my strong yearnings to be held, to be touched, to be loved, and to be accepted. They could feel the intense heat of my burning desire.
Thankfully there was no physical attraction between any of us. The attractions I did have for each of them was towards the love they reflected towards me which came from Jesus inside of them. It took me awhile to understand this attraction, but once I did, it was freeing. (Two other women early in my Christian life are shown to the right of me in this photo. I played in the praise band of the church together with Julie and Laura, and we are marveling at the new life growing inside Julie.)
I was insatiable when it came to my emotional and spiritual needs. It was a difficult and growing time for all of us. With the study of His Word, with much prayer, with worship music and fellowship, and the love God has for His children that surpasses any other, God helped all of us through this difficult time.
“For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please.”
Galatians 5:17 NASB 1995
If you would like to contact me please feel free to email, write, or call.
Charlene@BridgingTheGapsMinistries.org
Charlene E Hios
Bridging The Gaps Ministries
PO Box 1013
Mill Valley, CA 94942-1013
(415) 465 0517
Read Charlene's first article. Click HERE
Read Charlene's second article. Click HERE.
Buy Charlene's DVD--a discussion with Kent Philpott:
Homosexuality from a Christian Perspective
